Dear Santa, sir,
I know you don’t like to get involved in politics. You’re equally non-judgmental about who has been naughty and nice at this time of year. But there is another fat man stealing your act.
I’m talking about the unpresident. In these last days of what could be called the Physically-challenged Duck period of our presidency, Mister Trump has not rested on his laurels as the most corrupt president the country has had since the last Republican businessman in the Oval Office. Warren Harding’s Ohio Gang is like the Salvation Army compared to Boss Trump’s Gang That Couldn’t Loot Straight.
Not only was he first in tweeting (From January 1 to December 14, 5,699 times, according to the authoritative Tweet Binder blog) and lying (22,247 claims that fact-checkers at the Washington Post certify as false or misleading in the first 1,306 days of the Making America Great administration. That number is only up to August 27, 2020, because WaPo hasn’t been able to keep up with the flow). It is not for nothing, Santa, your rival is known as Lord of the Lies.
Donald the orange-nosed real estate developer already has given the nation it’s first official rigged election, like the ones so many of our friendly democracies ruled by tyrants conduct. Whatever fake news and the courts say about the baseless claims without evidence, sir, 2020 was won by the candidate that received seven million fewer votes.
All certified by the certifiable, Santa!
And he is not the only one who still believes that. Latest polls by USA Today/Siena College say ¾ of Republicans believe 2020 was stolen from their guy by the socialists and their lackeys in lamestream media.
Our sore winner has been especially magnanimous in this season of giving by not taking credit for personally inventing the vaccine for what he as a genius man of science called the Trump Flu that has already killed more than 300,000 fellow citizens that couldn’t go to Walter Reed for miracle treatments he received when the ungrateful Covid-19 virus microbes bit him in the ass or mouth.
The champion of law and order beat you to it, Santa, by having the decency to grant clemency or pardons to some of the most despicable characters in our penal system, just in time to be home for Christmas. The ex-cons include a notorious Medicare swindler, three crooked politicians, including the first Congressman to endorse him, four child-killing Federal hitmen from Blackwater, and convicted liars, like Flynn, Manafort, and Roger Stone who took lies for their president.
The whipped cream with the fake maraschino cherry on top was his pardoning out of the blue White House office boy Jared Kushner’s father. Charles Kushner’s only crimes were preparing false tax returns, witness retaliation, making false statements to the FEC and having the bad luck of being prosecuted by U.S. Attorney at the time, crusader Chris Christie in New Jersey. Marrying the president’s daughter was a good career move.
To prove he has a heart as big as all outdoors at his golf clubs and personal properties (he set records in patronizing them, some 330 days away from the day job) this week he emerged from looking for baseless claims of election fraud to slow the relief checks voted for the destitute by making a tantalize $2,000 per adult offer instead of the $600 coming soon. So what if he knew his fellow Republican Scrooges in the Congress would hold their noses at pure socialism. It’s time to balance the budget that has been unbalanced since the Trump tax cut to the 1% of the needy.
At the same time, Ex-President Bone Spur put a lump of coal in his beloved Pentagon’s stocking by vetoing its $740 billion National Defense Authorization bill that as usual contained more money than what the generals know what to do with. Frugality was less the reason than it called for renaming Fort Bragg, and ten other bases like Hood and Benning named after Southern generals, who were traitors. The South hasn’t had such a good president since Jefferson Davis.
What goody will the former president give to his partner in the hottest bromance in modern diplomacy history for Xmas? V. Putin has won four MAGA hats inserting the Politburo’s choice in the 2016 election in the White House. Agent Orange already has cancelled our Spy Plane flights photographing Russia’s military geography, and not complained about Russian cyber hacking. “China did it!” as he explained.
Who knows what Helsinki Donald promised in the closed-door secret summit meetings with Vlad the Poisoner? Maybe there’s a deal on the table to sell Alaska back to Imperial Russia that Putin the Great is recreating?
I tell you, Mister Santa, sir, there is no way to predict what crazy un-American things our former president has up his sleeve in the next 24 days.
I have one word to explain what I really want for Christmas, sir. Actually, it’s a word lent to me by Richard Lingeman, managing editor emeritus at The Nation, borrowed from his ode “Hail to the Thief”:
December 25, 2020
Click a button below to order your copy of Gullible’s Travels today from one of these fine online retailers: