More of the Missing Secret Correspondence Between Attorney General Barr and The Justaminutemen

Dear Bill,

First of all, thank you for your service.

Can we talk?

Your guy is going to lose. He told us that himself. The election is rigged. It’s a fraud, a scam, a hoax, perpetrated by the anarchist agitator far left radical socialist Democrats and their tools, the fake news media.

He’s going to blame you for not arresting all of them. Remember what happened to Jeff Sessions, when he recused himself from the Russian collusion thing?

Jeff was only doing his duty, following the law, he said. What a lame excuse!

We realize you haven’t wanted to seem like one of the rats leaving a sinking ship by resigning. Your loyalty to your client is impressive. But he’s going to leave you holding the bag, sir, as we of The Justaminutemen warned in our last intelligence briefing (10/25/20).

As his personal lawyer, as well as your other job as the AG, you know the crimes your client has committed in his four years in office. I will spare you the litany. Tax fraud alone will see him in the courts as long as that other American icon that had a tax thing. The Al Capone trial of 1931–2, as you recall, ended with the distinguished Chicago businessman and casino operator getting eleven years in Federal prison (Alcatraz).

People are confused about where this potential fugitive flight risk is going and why in the five flights he took in a two-day period on Air Farce One last week.

They say he thinks he needs to solidify his “base!’

Come on now, not even the most stupid president we have had since James Buchanan must know that doesn’t make sense politically.

By definition, a base is a solid thing. It doesn’t move around. That’s why it’s called a base.

This base especially isn’t going anywhere. In this land of Gulliblesylvania, a democratic country ruled by 34.9 percent of the people, a minority who gave us a president of some of the people for all the time, still believes he can shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue for defacing the street in front of Trump Tower with the slogan “Black Lives Matter” and still get four more years to make America great.

We don’t have to tell your boss he’s done a great job. In only four years he has managed to turn the greatest democracy ever invented, formerly a non-profit entity, into a cash cow for him and his family.

“Moo, moo,” say the members of the once Grand Old Party (GOP).

Whatever has come the Trump Family way using his hotels and golf clubs for conducting public business, and billing the nation, that’s only fair, as he sees it. His time in public service has cost him and his family a fortune. As the genius businessman and dealmaker he could have added to his laurels of six bankruptcies.

He knows what is written on the prison wall: mena, mena, mena. He has a Plan B.

Our usually reliably informed sources say he is conducting a private lottery to select which country will have the honor of serving as his retirement home. The rules for the contest include 1. It must be a country without an extradition treaty with USA.

The winner also will be the country whose economic policy is consistent with Donald’s principles: ask not what your country can do for you, but what it can do for me.

He has in his pocket every time he steps on board Air Farce One, our sources say, the names of six states that meet his requirements.

Leading in the race so far is the Democratic People’s Republic of Kazakhstan. “A very nice place,” explains good will ambassador, Borat. “We have nice hotels and golf courses. I will check we not having an extradition treaty with U.S. People of Americans.”

Should Kazakhstan win this bauble, the people will be saluting their newest émigré in what Ambassador Borat says is his country’s national drink: four glasses of fermented horse urine.

You will go down in history as a jurisprudential hero, Mister Attorney General, instead of an Elsie the Cow. Lock him up, sir, before he flies the coop!

Your fan,

PFC Marvin Kitman (Ret.)
Justaminuteman Nat’l HQ
c/o General Delivery
Somewhere in Northern New Jersey

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CC-licensed caricature of Bill Barr by DonkeyHotey