MITCH THE PRESTIDIGITATOR’S MOST AMAZING MAGIC TRICK
MITCH THE PRESTIDIGITATOR’S MOST AMAZING MAGIC TRICK
A Justaminutemen Petition for a Redress of Grievances
June 6, 2021
Dear Mr. Senate Minority Leader, The Right Honorable Gentleman from Kentucky,
Just a few words from a fellow Republican to salute your courage in killing the independent bipartisan commission to investigate the Jan. 6 riot.
We already know what happened, sir. Nothing, as the former president has explained.
Just a group of “patriotic tourists,” as he calls the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers and thousands of other students of democratic institutions who had arrived for a tour of their Capitol on a historic day. As you recall, Congress was certifying an election that was the most crooked in our history, an election that the antifa leftists stole for the socialist Biden, despite their candidate’s seven million fewer votes.
True, some came with bear spray, poles that could poke an eye out and, to further demonstrate support for their favorite part of the Constitution (Amendment No. 2), concealed weapons.
Others brought along a portable gallows, a bit of rope in the shape of a noose, in case they ran across a Vice President named “Pence,” who despite four years of loyal service as toady-in-waiting was considered worthy of old-fashioned American justice in their neck of the woods.
So what if the deaths and maiming, the pillaging, desecration of our democratic heritage by the activists had been inspired by an exiled ex-president’s “Stop the Steal” speeches all morning and the weeks before. “Mere Campaign rhetoric!” it could be argued.
So what if the unprecedented incursion scared the shit out of some of your Republican colleagues, which did not stop them from being complicit in the cover up of what really happened on that historic Sixth Day of January.
We understand what you are now doing, Mister Minority Leader.
You are famous in the annals of Senate Leaders for your ability to run a “Do Nothing Congress,” the kind that does nothing except pass tax cuts for our rich.
Your other major skill is making unpleasant things disappear. Who can forget the way you made vanish Obama’s Supreme Court nominee — Two years and *poof *— What’s His Name was gone!
We can understand why you were in the process of making a panel committed to an unbiased accounting of one the most serious assaults on American democracy fall into the sixth dimension—and disappear.
The answers to what really happened might be an unwelcome spotlight on the instigator-in-chief, still fueling the attacks on the integrity of our electoral process with his insane baseless fraud charges and the complicity of the no longer frightened brave cowards in our patriotic Senate minority. A commission report might arrive just in time for the 2022-2024 “I’ll Be Back” Election.
So we understand killing the unnecessary redundant panel was the first step in Mitch the Magician’s amazing making the horrific day vanish trick. Unless there is a three-day weekend involved, We the People are quick to forget why we celebrate our historic holidays. How many of us remember the 600,000 who perished during the Civil War, the original purpose of the last Memorial Day.
A tip of the MAGA hat, your Rt. Hon. as Mitch the Marvelous Magic Man for pulling off this vanishing act.
While I have your attention, sir, I remind you of an even greater challenge, one that requires every artifice in your bag of tricks, i.e., getting rid of the Orange Menace, the Trojan elephant who is trampling the grand old party to death.
Surely you have something up your sleeve that could make the 70 percent of patriotic Republicans who love their country as much as you and I do give up on that bubbemieser the 2020 election was invalid, and the 23 percent of Republican idiots who a recent poll found believe the federal government is controlled by a group of Satan-worshiping pedophiles running a child sex traffic operation.
Now is the time to come to the aid of our party and country! Mitch, the Houdini of our party! Abracadabra… whatever the magic words. Go Mitch the Incredible Amazing Magicman, do your stuff!
God save the Republican Party, if She is not too busy.
Yours truly,
Marvin Kitman
Registered Republican,
9th Congressional District, N.J.
