Trumponicles: The Last 120 Days, Part XIII

A pundit writes to his ex-president in exile on Fantasy Island (aka Trump National Golf Club in Sterling, Va.), that special place in heaven where a deposed tyrant-in-training can do what he does best, play golf, fire people, and make baseless allegations.

Dear Mister Former President, sir,

First of all, congratulations on your election victory, the second time you won with the least votes.

Secondly, speaking as a pundit to a pundit, I was most impressed with your being the first to call the election. You were ahead of us other experts in predicting it would be stolen.

You didn’t even need to wait for the Exit Polls to project that anarchist agitator radical leftists of the Democratic Socialist Party would steal the election in Philadelphia, steal the election in Atlanta, steal the election in Milwaukee…

You were the Nostradamus of the Year in our profession, predicting the outcome of Trump vs. Hunter Biden in 2020. 

Four MAGA Hats off to you, sir, for prognosticating the socialist Democrats would try to destroy the integrity of our electoral process with their mail-in, day of registration voting, counting three days after the election is over, dumping batches of legal votes a day, two days, maybe even three days after the polls close, as the reliably misinformed source, Laura Ingraham, reported on Fox Fake News.

Of course, the results won’t be official until the socialists who do the counting at the Electoral College open the state envelopes.   Still, without meaning to ask you to reveal your trade secrets, how did you reach the conclusion you are still undefeated?

As I gather, the secret of your success is in your definition of an honest election—and correct me if I’m wrong, sir: If you’re behind in the polls, it’s tantamount to the vote being rigged. How else could you be number two?  Ipso facto, the election is  fraudulent, a scam, a hoax.    

Just because there is no evidence to substantiate “the serious reports of irregularities, such as flipping votes in the computer system,” as Maria Bartiromo, the former Money Honey at CNBC since flipped into punditry on the Fox Business Network explained, your brain trust launched Plan B.

Towards this goal of corroborating your theory of being robbed, a tsunami of lawsuits has flooded the nation’s courts without evidence. If I can mix a metaphor here, hungry, snarling legal beagles have been sniffing around for further non-existent evidence of foul election crimes. It amounts to a stimulus program for members of The Trump Bar, if the ex-president doesn’t stiff them, like many of the workers who built his casinos.

The extraordinary legal activity is being seconded by the AG, Deputy Dawg Barr, who has broken the rules by saying it’s okay for U.S. Attorneys to join in the investigation of wrong- doing without evidence.

It’s not your concern, Mister President-in-exile, that all of this saying Nyet to the election results is like acid rain coming down on the integrity of the nation’s electoral process, which should at least please your friends in the Kremlin.

However all of this turns out, let’s not misunderestimate, in George W.  Bush’s word, the significance of the amazing, unbelievable, shocking number of your voters, if they were all legal.

74.5 million citizens apparently were OK with four more years of your lying whenever your mouth is open; four more years of your distrust of science; four more years of your having the empathy of a log for the sick and dying of the Trump Flu; four more years of your ignorance about our history; four more years of your being a total brainless idiot about the conduct of foreign and domestic affairs; four more years of having the most corrupt cabinet since the Ohio Gang of the Harding administration, four more years of your creepy family. But why go on.

Forget the 34.9 percent, the minority better known as “the base!”

74.5 million is the new Base. Can 74.5 million Always Trumpers be wrong? Moscow, Idaho Mitch, and Fox & Enemies will be asking for four more years.

Happy days will not be here again for the Socialists until all the lawsuits are quashed and there might be a chance to hear your concession speech, the greatest in our political history.

Everybody knows, it’s not over until the fat man sings.

In the meanwhile, have your fun for the next 70 days firing the remaining competent people in the administration who are still trying to save what’s left of what Made America Great.

Your pen pal,

Marvin Kitman
November 12, 2020

Click a button below to order your copy of Gullible’s Travels today from one of these fine online retailers:


Barnes & Noble



Seven Stories Press