HOW HE WON

Trumponicles In Exile, No. 1

Friends and colleagues. I have been in the shop for repairs. My doctors assure me I’m good for another 100,000 miles. “Trumponicles” Number 62 today catches up with a little of what I missed.

I realize to some of us he must sound like a big fat blowhard, a deposed, rejected, disgraced, corrupt, profiteering klutz of an acting president in way over his head for four years, accidentally chosen by fellow idiots in 2016. His claim that he lost unfairly in 2020, that he was cheated of a second term, is like old background Muzak music. White noise.

But the ¾ of the Republicans who voted for him last November, according to the latest polls, couldn’t agree more with his theory that he was robbed in 2020.

And it is seconded by the majority of the folks who attended this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, the unofficial thimk tank of the RINO party—Republican in Name Only—as I call what is left of the Grand Old Party after its last president digested it and spit out the bones.       

Not only did he win, as he explained in taking a victory lap before a crowd of thousands of political science junkies at the CPAC conclave in Orlando last fortnight, but he won big! It was a landslide, he had concluded after four months of doing the math, as they say in higher mathematics circles.

Dr. Trump, who had been awarded a doctorate in quantum mathematics by Kitman University (Est. 2016) for his work in applied higher mathematics. His theory, which states In a rigged election, seven million fewer votes wins, despite 61 law suits being thrown out of court for lack of admissible evidence, was a breakthrough in political process in a democracy.

Inventor of so-called Trump Exceptionalism in lower mathematics, Dr. Trump and his brain trust in the first administration pioneered the formula 2+2 = 5, or any number you choose, as demonstrated with the incorrect claim of the greatest inaugural address crowd ever in 2016.

As the doctoral citation noted, the same special skills in power mathematics were displayed in his earlier career as a real estate mogul, the secret of success being revealed by other rival genius realtors as the ability to add, as well as subtract, a shortcoming attested to by Dr. Trump’s six bankruptcies.

Such are the depth of his convictions, four months into what in his mind is the coveted second four-year term, Dr. Trump has yet to concede. He is what is known as a sore winner.

Fun-filled, intellectually stimulating CPAC three-day weekends are usually the chance for those of the political persuasion to the right of Attila the Hun to sing the praises of conservative basic principles, such as paying $15 an hour will bankrupt the nation and wearing a mask during a pandemic will lead to socialism, as was the case of Medicare and Social Security.

In a speech some saw as the most important throwing a hat in the ring since Lincoln’s Cooper Union Address of 1860, Dr. Trump took time away from his duties as ex-president serving ex-officio as president–in-exile, playing golf and watching cable network news in his Rhomboid Office at Fort Mar-a-Lago to deliver this year’s CPAC keynote address on February 28.

Rather than the need to balance the budget after the tax cut for the 1 % —the greatest achievement of his first administration—or explain exactly what “cancel culture” or “woke Marxist mobs” means, something this pundit still doesn’t get—the fattest ex-president since William Howard Taft laid out the major issue for the 2024 campaign.

It will be doing his darnedest to get even with the yellow-bellied six or seven Republicans—RINOS, as a RINO himself mistakenly called them—traitors.  He will spare no Twitter words—once they lift the un-American ban on his thoughts, such as they are, to make sure those and any other suspicious characters would be Trump-primaried, the equivalent of tarred and feathered, ridden on a rail out of his version of the new and unimproved GOP. 

Dr. Trump’s Mulligan speech was a comfort for the ¾ of the 74 million band of brothers who voted for the idiot–in–chief, assurance that he will stand tall, stand proud and continue to fight for his right to become the worst ex-president in our history and his god given right to make believe he is still the president until 2024, questioning the integrity of an electoral process that only lasted 232 years.

In the meanwhile, I hope you are enjoying, as one sore loser put it while I was away, the new president (whoever it is).

Marvin Kitman
March 11, 2021

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